Yesterday Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety was interviewed on NPRs Fresh Air. Id read The Mommy Trap, the Times review of her book, a few weeks back, and was profoundly bored by Warners thesis. Maybe because I live in Park Slope, its hotbed in NYC. But there she was again, this time on the radio. In the interview, and in the review, Warner came off whiney and narrow-minded rather than solution-oriented. This time, I was irritated.
So, dear readers, Im going to subject you to a rant. Get ready. Some of you will disagree, some may be offended. I do welcome your thoughts on this topic, so comment freely. Sorry in advance if you just come here for the craft content more of that tomorrow. But for now:
As a preliminary matter: I am consistently stunned by the ability of the Times to extend its own navel-gazing generalizations about its demographic (read: rich) to society as a whole, or to nod superficially to that circumstance and proceed to dedicate several pages to such stories anyway. The women Warner writes about have the leeway to be neurotic about raising their kids. Most people in this country dont, and too many Americans are concerned more about putting a roof over their kids head than buying them the newest pair of cleats. See also "The Opt-Out Revolution" and "Mommy (And Me)," (a snide article about the alleged self-centeredness of blogging parents that I think is actually a great companion piece to Warner's book).
Anyway: Im not saying that the phenomenon Warners writing about doesnt exist: surely it does. But I think the problem goes deeper than this countrys deplorable childcare policies. I think it stems largely from the hubris of a complacent generation of women (mine), ambivalent about feminism, who grew up never considering that they would have to make sacrifices, and who dont know how to fight for effectively for ourselves when such unanticipated sacrifices become unacceptable.
But even more significantly, to my mind, the problem is that as upper-class women have entered the most competitive careers in the country, and as we have learned how to succeed in those fields, we have integrated the competitive approaches that dominate those fields into our lives. In short, we have become male in our approach to motherhood. From what I can see, the pressures Warner writes about share much with the pressures men stereotypically feel about their roles as breadwinners: guilt, inadequacy (especially that), jealousy, overwork, hyperbolization of problems, tunnel-vision, and stress. Apply this to motherhood, an inherently imperfect pursuit, and you have a recipe for disaster for both mothers and kids, the ultimate object of all these feelings. And to add to everything, here is Judith Warner with another book telling mothers: youre doing it all wrong. Where is our backbone? If you think theres too much guilt, too much pressure involved in the way were told to raise our kids, try to choose another way. I know this is easier said than done, but if you have enough energy to whine this loud, you have enough energy to change, and enough energy to resist social pressures. No one way of parenting is good for ever kid, or for every parent. After all, if all the other soccer moms drove off a bridge, would you do it too? Now, how about that $500 stroller? And of course, one of Warners main points is that women ought to be kinder to each other, which is true. But, like any relationship, there are two sides to unkindness: the (perceived) unkindness, and the (hyper)sensitivity to it on the part of its object. Part of the fault can be attributed to an unsupportive society still bent on forcing women into a series of Hobsons choices about their careers, but part of it is a return to victimization: women must show solidarity, yes, and also take some responsibility to stand up for themselves if any of this is to change.
I agree that the childcare policies in this country ARE deplorable and that we have become complacent as a society as a whole - not just about childcare issues but about many, many things. We have been brainwashed in to thinking that it is ok for a society not to take care of it's more vulnerable members. It's all about money and success and NOTHING about quality of life.
I would like to have a child soon - but this country has become bizarro world - we have created an aristocracy of the dollar, and you've either got it or you don't. And capitalism in now the ONLY game in town. And orwellian doublespeak is the order of the day
as for childrearing - i have no idea how my parents (or anyone's our age for that matter) were able to raise us without all the overpriced crap parents "have to have" now.
Posted by: michellenyc at March 23, 2005 7:36 PMNot having read this particular book and not living in USA - however I have read various versions of this particular topic and no doubt every western country has a similar problem of women trying to be everything and feeling guilty about not achieving success on all fronts. I read the Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart a while ago and found it to be pressing home your point about motherhood solidarity and taking responsibility
Posted by: kathreen at March 24, 2005 12:07 AMI agree with you. Although I have not read Warner's book, I've read a bunch of articles/reviews of it an am not really impressed. So much of that "stress" she writes abt ppl experiencing can simply be avoided. No one *has* to have the latest anything. I'm expecting a child in Sept and am doing my best to stay out of the Competetive Mothering circle. Heck, now there is even a Competetive Pregnancy circle. So depressing.
The U.S. does fall a bit short in terms of childcare policies, esp when compared to European countries like Germany, France and Sweeden. For instance, if I have the child in Germany, I am eligible (as are all German mothers) for Kinder Geld, which is a monthy goverment provided check to help off set the costs of raising a child. There are other benefits too, like generous maternity leave polices but there are also drawbacks--the school systems and colleges here are just not quite as good as ones in the U.S. and taxes in Germany are outrageous. Unempolyment is frighteningly high-- near the same levels as in the 1940s.
As for books on mothering/parenting/family life, I turn to Erma Bombeck. I often wonder what she would have made of all these issues.
Posted by: Prim at March 24, 2005 3:12 AMwell said and well written. it's refreshing to read a well thought out and non-confrontational rant that isn't reduced to a series of "oh yeah? well you suck!"
You're preachin' to the choir out here! I'm an expact currently living in New Zealand with my family. One of the reasons we decided to move out here was to get away of the whole work, work, work for money, money, money culture. Everyone seems to work themselves to death to buy more things, but no one has any time to spend with each other. Currently, we don't have oodles of money, but heaps of time in an incredible environment. People here focus on quality of life over quantity of things. You make do with what you have...and fortunately for us, that includes sparkling beaches, mountains, and lots of sun (except for today's rain!).
Posted by: losmills at March 24, 2005 4:45 PMI took a Psych class about the whole motherhood/career debate/guiltrap and even the class (while informational and interesting) annoyed me--I understand that women now have more choices than ever before--but do we have to analyse it all. I'd like to enjoy the oppurtunities, the choices, instead of comparing and competing....ok, so now I'm ranting...but I am glad that women are having this dialogue about solidarity and non-competiveness.
Oh, and on a solid, sunny note: I love your site!
Hi Jess-- You know I have great respect for you and your points of view, so hang onto your hat while I let off a little steam. Grab a grain or two of salt, and read. So hang on a sec while I get my little soapbox in just the right spot...........OK. Now. To hell and back with Judith Warner, Caitlin Flanagan and that whole genre of whiners. They're not journalists, they're instigators. I need to tell them to go eat a few carbs and JUST SHUT UP. Go do something with your hands. Stop thinking so hard. I prefer to listen to the words of Henry David Thoreau: "simplify, simplify, simplify." And I realize I AM over-simplifying here, and YES, VIRGINIA, the critical mass of screwed-upness about our society is creating some biggie problems with childcare and public education, but as someone who has been there, done that, I wanna TESTIFY. If the shoe hurts your foot, take it off. You're not discovering terra incognita here, Judith and Caitlin. Parenting has always been stressful. What in the world did people do before they had PARENTING COACHES to call when they felt like murdering their children? (This feeling actually happens sometimes, though we're loathe to admit it) I think the difference is that today, these ambitious, overly zealous young parents have their trophy children, just like they have their trophy kitchens (a child, after all, is not a Viking Range) and their trophy Ivy League dimplomas (ok, so I'm sore my kid didn't get into Harvard, so sue me)and their trophy investment banking jobs...... Yes, there is a sicko sort of competition that has fomented between women. It must have some biological root, or a gene that has mutated from too many Pilates classes. Or from reading too many New York Magazine cover stories. I believe in the the Thoery of Relativity, and that there will be an equal and opposite reaction to all of this. I think less time reading these diatribes, more time making mud pies and tickling each other is the way to have a better parenting experience, have happier children, and having a loving, happy family unit is truly the best way to make the neighbors jealous as hell.
This is an interesting blog entry! Thanks!
I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to decide to have children or not...obviously NOT an easy decision...in large part BECAUSE of the competitive career I've clawede my way to the top in. We all have choices here -- and for some of us, the choice may just end up being that we don't have children. I live in NYC in another "hot neighborhood" where there are a zillion families...but very few parents pushing the strollers...EVER (even weekends.)
Anyway - before I go off on a rant -- thanks for writing such a well written post. And yes...we all do need to treat each other with more kindness.
Enjoying your blog.
Cheers.
Hi again -- well written! I read a review of her book recently and wasn't particularly interested in reading the book, although as a "SAHM" and also as a part-time teacher (why can't I be both a SAHM and a worker when I do both?) I thought that her characterization of current motherhood is what I observe in a lot of my "mommy circles", and is something that I try to not be ... I think that so many (rich, mostly white) women work hard, have hard careers, and then when they "give it up" to raise the kids, they see the kids as their new bosses ... which leads to their kids thinking they're in the center of the universe. I can't tell you how many moms I see cater to their kids' every whims because they see it as their "new career."
Anyhow, thanks for the interesting post, I really enjoyed reading it. And, as always, your site rocks!
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